the affected provincial’s almanack

YOU MAY FIND ME HERE, HENCEFORTH

2010-03-29T18:33:13Z

http://theaffectedprovincial.blogspot.com/

GOODBYE

2010-03-28T04:55:08Z

It's time for me to go. Off to have adventures, and finish a book. I may pop up elsewhere in the interwebs, but I don't know where (I've started a Tumblr account and a Blogspot account, but I'm not yet sure what will be done with them). Here's where you may find me in the meantime:

Flickr
Facebook
Lordwhimsy.com

Goodbye, friends.

FRIDAY NIGHT IN PHILLY: GYPSY EQUINOX

2010-03-26T06:45:34Z

Celebrate the coming of the spring equinox on Friday the 26th.

Virginia-based Olivarez Trio (Gypsy Jazz, Django Flamenco, acoustic classicists) will grace our floors with two acoustic guitars and an upright base.

Music at 8pm till it runs out of steam.

BYOB and all teas available under the usual conditions.

Friday, March 26, 2010 at 8:00pm

Random Tea Room
713 N 4th St.
Philadelphia

Facebook page

See you there!

TRICKED OUT TURTLE

2010-03-25T18:06:28Z

Handsome little devil. As in life, one must sometimes turn over a few drab shells to see the color.

(Yes: I am very wise.)

MOSS

2010-03-25T17:55:30Z

CHELYDRA SERPENTINA

2010-03-25T15:15:10Z

Found with the skeletal remains of what appeared to be five large snapping turtles. Found them scattered amid deer bones. Looks like they were all slaughtered and dumped. This skull was as large as my palm.

DRINK IN MY ADENOIDAL DRONE

2010-03-25T00:36:02Z

Video of my ditty for Semiospectacle at PS122. I think my second performance that evening was better, but only I would care.

BEST SOFA ON EARTH, MAYBE THE UNIVERSE

2010-03-25T00:09:31Z

http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/zip/1659405902.html

ART IN AMERICA'S REVIEW OF SEMIOSPECTACLE

2010-03-25T00:03:22Z

Art in America thinks I should embark on a lucrative career as a motivational speaker. And you know? They may be onto something!

Out from the Pine Barrens with a mustachioed flourish came Lord Whimsy, whose succinct baritone boomed a lesson in personal appearance, Chimes From A Tin Chrysalis, worthy of an encore at the Paul Stewart corporate retreat in Newport. In a strident speech peppered with idioms and forgotten turns of phrase that were splendidly tangled, Whimsy challenged the oft-recited mantra, "Be yourself" with overwrought diagrams and two live play-actors who personified the most uncouth and well-kept of the genus Homo

Wow, they said I was a "genius homo!" Wha--oh: genus Homo? Hm.

Full review...

TOADS IN PHILLY NEED A HAND CROSSING A ROAD

2010-03-24T16:50:38Z

Philly types: if you can help with this toad crossing next week, please do. I'll see you there!

http://toaddetour.com/

Also: who wants to attend a toad party on Sunday? Or a toad walk? Philebrity sez:

This Sunday, March 28th, there’ll be a “toad party” from 6-8Pm at 7043 Ridge Avenue, complete with vegan refreshments and people who love toads. And through April 9th, “toad walks” will be led a few times a week.

SEMIOSPECTACLE

2010-03-24T15:54:06Z

My thanks to Mashinka Firunts and everyone who participated in Semiospectacle at PS122.

Friends Les and Sean during rehearsal, working out blocking and cues. They played diametrically aligned roles in my performance. Both did so perfectly. Thank you, gents!

Les really got into his role as the obnoxious bridge and tunnel jerk. (Here he is, ruining a perfectly fine tira misu.) Despite his mugging in these photos, he did feel a bit self-conscious while we were out eating dinner.

Sean is a paragon of elegance, so he was a natural as the emblematic dandy. I do appreciate his rushing home to don his attire and then foregoing dinner. Top marks, all around.

The lovely Minsky Sisters.

Dr. Lucky

Hounded by the press.

The Missus and I backstage. Have to say the atmosphere backstage was great fun: it was essentially a cramped, crowded broom closet with two floors. It felt like the bowels of a sailing ship. The second floor--really a deck--could only be reached by a steep, narrow staircase that one used like a ladder. It was classic Vaudevillian backstage: three-piece suits, people in heavy makeup and silk kimonos primping in the mirror, cute ladies in feathered hats and tap shoes running around, and zaftig ladies in massive wigs swanning about in g-strings and sequined pasties. Great fun. Someone should start a restaurant with a backstage theme.

Jeremy's magical suitcase.

Mashinka, seen here in her magnificent, radar-defying eveningwear, put Semiospectacle together. I simply can't imagine being able to assemble such a huge production at the tender age of twenty-two. Younger than my own nieces! I can only shake my head in amazement.

The divine Vaginal Davis followed my performance, and so we chatted backstage for an hour, awaiting our turn. Such a sweet, sweet person. Jet lagged from Berlin, and still the most cheerful person in the room. Turns out we both have Choctaws in our families, so we may very well be distant cousins, who knows. I had a beaten-up copy of my book in my bag, and during the course of our conversation it was clear Ms. Davis was a kindred spirit, so I signed it and gave it to her. La Davis: you are my queen.

Both the 8PM and 10PM shows were warmly received, and quite a few friends managed to venture out into the rain to see us. Curtain calls came for both shows, and off we went for some unagi and our ride home. Turns out Laura's car had been towed (NYC has some fairly insidious tow traps, with no parking signs twenty feet up, parallel to the curb). So we flagged down a patrol car, got the number and address, and took a cab over to the tow depot on 12th Ave. Les discovered that his ipod had fallen off in the cab (yet another reason not to wear those awful tracksuits), so I had to run as fast as I could--through rainy puddles in my bespoke suit and carrying all sorts of bags--to beat the cab to the light. Fortunately I did. Sitting on the back seat was Les' ipod, safe and sound. My boots are still drying out from this episode.

So after spending an hour navigating the Byzantine workings of the NYC Police Dept., we were back on the road. Upon arriving at Les and Laura's home at 3AM, which s a wooded 100-acre farm, we discovered that it was the peak night for eastern spadefoot toads, which were making quite a din. So Laura donned her wellies to investigate. So an evening that started in Vaudeville ended in puddles. Not a bad way to spend one's birthday.

So how was your Monday night?

COREMA CONRADII

2010-03-20T05:22:05Z

Male flowers of Broom Crowberry.

SO YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?

2010-03-18T15:50:47Z

Not anymore.

TIDDLETEE-TERDIDDLEERDEETITAI-TERDITITEE

2010-03-17T02:51:52Z

I had to venture out into a downpour last night to do a terrarium gardening demonstration at Random Tea Room. Figured it was a good opportunity to don the tweed suit that my man James of A Fine Tooth had so generously sent me this autumn. Treacherous thing so close to St. Paddy's, green tweed. Leprechaun-related jibes are expected, of course.

SPRING IS HERE

2010-03-14T23:34:35Z

THE REAR COLUMN

2010-03-10T07:02:44Z

This Saturday night, we saw Iron Age Theatre's thoroughly enjoyable, incendiary production of Simon Gray's 1978 play, The Rear Column.

In my opinion, Iron Age Theatre deserves more attention: it's a small, bare bones theatre company whose cast and crew know how to bring about a maximum effect with the minimum of means. Any idiot can make a bloated CGI extravaganza with a couple hundred million, but a shoestring live performance that is intelligently directed and well acted takes true resourcefulness and talent. And really, there's just no substitute for a live performance with tight, brisk pace: The Rear Column is heavy in dialogue, and yet the play, which was well over two hours long, never lost momentum.

Here's a review of The Rear Column:

The Rear Column watches a quintet of Victorian soldiers and gentlemen unravel in a Congo military encampment, surrounded by inscrutable natives, gunslinging Arab slave traders, cannibals, disease and death, dutifully awaiting the return of one H.M. Stanley.

You might know Henry Stanley best as the explorer who, after a grueling African expedition to find a missing missionary, upon seeing him, said simply, "Dr. Livingstone, I presume." To commanding officer Barttelot (Adam Altman), Stanley is a fearsome adversary, more legend than man (indeed, some speculate that Heart of Darkness' iconic Kurtz is modeled after Stanley), and bent on destroying their reputations. So they remain, some reluctantly, others willingly, taking turns flogging their porters to death, fighting each other and generally discarding the veneer of civilization, while Stanley travels the continent in search of yet another lost Englishman.

John Doyle and Randall Wise direct this first-rate cast, and though parallels to current missions in Iraq and Afghanistan are clear (as were parallels to Vietnam, when the play first appeared), this is no polemic. Gray's script is a thrill ride, Waiting for Godot in hostile territory. Altman's brutal Barttelot, Ray Saraceni's gentle Jameson, Dave Fiebert's stoic Bonny, Luke Moyer's charming cynic Ward, Chuck Beishl's histrionic Troup, each exchanges his pole position as circumstances shift, though they all know they're merely engaged in a prolonged bout of potentially fatal wheel-spinning.

It's gripping to watch genteel Jameson deflate, while Barttelot responds to his companion's growing frailty by redoubling his own frenzies. Special mention also goes to 12-year-old Joshua Matthew Cameron in his first professional role as African servant boy John Henry. It can't be easy for a kid this young to sit sweet-faced and nearly silent among such intensely disturbing material. Unfortunately, Charles Conwell's Stanley robs the production of some momentum, the one weak performance in an otherwise machete-sharp ensemble.

Doyle and Wise also designed the set, a tented oasis stacked with Stanley's untouched provisions. Outside, lights glow red and drums beat a fearsome rhythm. Inside, there's palm wine and a proper bed - and the occasional captive tribeswoman bound with rope so a fellow can use her as a sculpture model.

For the men, humanity is relative, and the more the Sudanese and Zanzibari porters challenge that relativity by bleeding, dying, or, worst of all, refusing to kill the Englishmen, the harder it is for an Englishman to recognize his own moral superiority. Terrorism, cannibalism, colonialism - after enough time spent among the savages, it all starts to look alike.

The Rear Column will be playing at Iron Age Theatre until March 21. Tickets can be reserved here.

Philadelphia Inquirer review of The Rear Column

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BROOM CROWBERRY

2010-03-09T00:57:00Z

The earliest blooming plant of the year in the Pine Barrens is now beginning to bloom.

IDES OF MARCH: TEA, HERBS, TERRARIA & BLUEGRASS

2010-03-06T05:12:01Z

Random Tea Room in Philadephia will be opening their doors the evening of Monday, March 15th to celebrate The Ides of March with a special live music performance and terrarium demonstration. Additionally, free samples of our newest beverage and snacks will be available for all. Details are as follows:

Monday, March 15th
Doors open at 7 p.m.
No Cover
This is a BYOB event!

Local Bluegrass Favorites!
Keystone Mountain Boys

Based in Northern Liberties, the Keystone Mountain Boys are a bluegrass quartet who perform their inspired take on traditional old-timey music. Please join us for this very special music performance.

Song samples and additional information about the Keystone Mountain Boys can be found here.

A terrarium demonstration with...
Lord Whimsy

Botany enthusiast, preservationist, suave author and unofficial Lorax of The Pine Barrens will be demonstrating how to make and maintain your own terrarium for the home.

New Beverage Alert! Introducing...
Hot Damn!

Made with elderberry, licorice root, freshly ground ginger (and a dash of cayenne for good measure), this sweet-n-spicy concoction is ideal for aiding with circulation, throat maintenance and general immune system boosting. Free samples will be available throughout the evening, and will be available on our menu thereafter.

We look forward to celebrating with you!

Warmly,
The Random Tea Room • Rebecca, Teresa, Ian and William
713 N. 4th Street
between Brown & Fairmount
267.639.2442

Bee Pollen – Use bee pollen to prime yourself for upcoming seasonal allergies or simply to nourish deficiencies in the body. Bee pollen is rich in a wide variety of nutrients. It has over 28 minerals as well as an abundance of enzymes to aid the digestive process. $2/oz

Chamomile – It is mildly anti-Viral, soothes the intestine and calms the nerves as well. $2/oz

Cinnamon- An excellent aid for sluggish digestion, cinnamon is drying and slows bleeding when used internally and/or externally. $2/oz

Clove- A warming and aromatic carminative, clove is helpful for chills felt during a cold and for warming a stagnant lung and soothing a sore throat. $2/oz

Damiana – Damiana balances the symptoms of the menstrual cycle and eases the nervous system while helping with digestion. It can be useful for those who have a low estrogenic condition, and is an aphrodisiac for many. It is not recommended for pregnant women. $1.75/oz

Dandelion - Primarily functions as a diuretic. It is free-radical scavenging (an anti oxidant) and is useful for those with high blood pressure. $1.75/oz

Elderberry – Elderberry is perfect for purging a stagnant congested cold. It will encourage sweating and helps to flush the body of excess mucus and clogged sinuses. $1.75/oz

Fennel– Fennel, an aromatic carminative, is demulcent and will help with irritable bowel syndrome. It will help induce sweating for preparation for a feveral cold. $1.75/oz

Fenugreek – Fenugreek helps to break up phlegm and mucus and is notably effective in helping increase metabolism. It will lower blood fat levels for those with diabetic conditions and is beneficial for some women as it can increase production of breast milk. $1.50/oz

Ginger– Ginger is effective for warming up blood circulation and can function as a male aphrodisiac. It stimulates the immunity and will quiet a stomachache. For many it is very useful for headaches related to circulatory issues and helps to increase the efficiency of ones metabolism. $1.75/oz

Kava Kava – Kava Kava is traditionally used ceremonially in the South Pacific. Kava sometimes causes a subtle intoxicating euphoria in strong brews. It will ease sore muscles and calm the over-worked nervous system while helping with anxiety, insomnia, and restlessness. It also numbs a sore throat or cold sore. $4/oz

Kudzu– This root is useful for repairing the worn and torn liver. It will help cleanse and strengthen the liver cells and is said to be effective for dealing with alcohol cravings when consumed regularly. $1.75/oz

Lemon Balm – Lemon Balm is calming and anti-viral. It is great for those whose stresses make them angry or irritable. It can be used for cold sores and ulcerative colitis. $2/oz

Licorice – Licorice root, commonly confused with licorice candy, will bring stagnant matter from the lungs and induce productive coughs. It will also sooth digestion and protect against colds while helping with low blood pressure. Licorice also helps your body to demetabolize sugars more effectively and is very useful for those with hypoglycemia. $2.75/oz

Marshmallow – Grounding and demulcent, marshmallow root is useful as a tonic immune stimulant. $1.75/oz

Motherwort – Excellent for P.M.S. when consumed ahead of time. Hormonally balancing, motherwort can aid pains from smooth muscle cramps during menstruation. It can also purge blood for those experiencing a sluggish cycle. It has a profound affect on anxiety attacks that are felt through shortness of breath and heart palpitations. $2/oz

Mullein – Great for the cleansing of the lungs and bronchi. If infused into oil it can be used to fight ear infections. $2.50

Nettles – Nettles is a nourishing immune stimulant. It is useful at all stages of illness particularly in situations of deficiency. For women it can be used as a post-menstrual tonic for restoring lost iron and vitamins. $1.75/oz

Passion Flower – A nervine, calmative, analgesic. A good choice for people with an excess of alpha personality who experience high amounts of stress. $2.50/oz
Pau D’Arco (Lapacho) – Pau D’Arco originates in south and Central America. It has been used for centuries by Aztec and Incan tribes. Pau D’Arco has an abundance of anti-carcinogenic properties. It is anti-viral, anti-microbial and a gentle expectorant. $2.75/oz

Red Raspberry – Red raspberry is helpful for toning the uterus. It has several alkaloids that promote the retention of calcium. It is also helpful topically for toning the skin and clearing acne. It can also clean wounds well when combined with slippery elm as a poultice. $1.75/oz

Reishi– Reishi is widely used in Chinese and aryurvedic medicine. It is anti-viral, anti-carcinogenic, anti-fungal and a liver restorative. It has also been sited for its usefulness in reducing the symptoms of chemotherapy and radiation therapy. Reishi is an excellent tonic for maintenance of immunity and cleansing of the blood. $3.25

Sassafras - Numbing, warming, and drying, sassafras can help ease a dry cough and is useful medicinally as an alternative to licorice root for those with high blood pressure. It is also a primary ingredient in homemade root beer. $3.75

Slippery Elm – Slippery elm is one of the best herbs for a sore throat. It is anti-inflammatory and analgesic. It is helpful for ulcers, stomachaches, and rashes. When chewed it will cause phlegm to rise from the bronchia and lungs. $3.25

Wild Yam – Wild yam is a broad spectrum anti-spasmodic. It will quell the spasms of smooth muscles- particularly in menstrual cramps. Taken tonicly, wild yam can help bring unruly menstrual symptoms to a healthy balance. It is helpful for irritable bowel syndrome, endometriosis, Crohn’s disease, and estrogenic imbalances. Not recommended for pregnant women. $2/oz

FACEBOOK

2010-03-03T19:57:02Z

In response to recent LJ refugee queries as to my whereabouts beyond this journal: here.

MR. HANDSOME

2010-03-03T19:01:37Z

Ladies and gentlemen: Moustache Records of East Orange, NJ proudly presents Mr. Lateef Muhammad--Mr. Handsome--master of the Hot Light Skip. Dig it, if you can.

SPRING IS COMING

2010-03-02T20:16:44Z

The colors of spring are beginning to emerge in my selections.

ROOT LIQUEUR CHOCOLATES & CANDIES

2010-03-01T18:44:26Z

Art In The Age ROOT Presents... The Making Of ROOT Chocolates by John & Kira's from Art In The Age on Vimeo.

Art In The Age Presents... ROOT Chocolates By John & Kira's from Art In The Age on Vimeo.

TRY THE BARENBOIM

2010-03-01T16:56:42Z

EARTH STAR

2010-03-01T16:30:05Z

ON ORNAMENT

2010-02-25T02:51:34Z

Something of a time capsule, this. Wrote this squib a couple years ago for .Cent Magazine in London. The theme of the issue was "ornament":

ON ORNAMENT

The word “ornament” wobbles uneasily when used in a conversation concerning male style. It always seems to hint at the alien or ludicrous, such as a Turkish Ottoman ruler dripping with doorknob-sized rings, or perhaps the prissy, poodly court of Louis XIV. Of course, the blame for this prejudice rests with that Regency era ur-dandy and arbiter of male style Beau Brummell, as it was he who banished the gooey male confectionery of the eighteenth century, and introduced the modest but immaculate mode of male dress that is today held as the Eternal Ideal. Because of this, the flamboyant, swaggering magnifico of old is now a very rare bird, indeed; the dread of public ridicule decimated his dwindling numbers more than any musket or cutlass ever could.

While I do agree with The Almighty Beau that less is usually the safest bet for civilians, I often find myself flirting with sartorial disaster—popping a peacock feather in my breast pocket in place of a sensibly-folded pocket square, wearing tri-colored gators, waxed moustaches, a live silk moth on the lapel—in general, going a bit too far.

Alright—far too far.

In my own defense, I should hasten to say that I do know better; nevertheless, I cannot help myself. You see, I occasionally become bored with merely dressing by the numbers, as it doesn’t pose much of a creative challenge, or risk of failure. Besides, there’s a certain smugness in the restrained Brummellian cloth-prig dogma that begs for an occasional tweak on the nose, followed by a big, fat, spittle-flecked raspberry. Where’s the fun? Where’s the humor? Where’s the joie de vivre? Is mere deference to convention even good taste? Many who “dress for success” look fearful and inhibited rather than commanding and substantial. After all, one’s life is short—one might say an occasion, so one may as well dress for it.

Truth be told, many of us who are besotted with finery are closet heretics, adding that one extra touch when we know damn well that it looks too fussy or precious. But such self-deprecating humor and an oddball generosity is good form—the laugh is on us, no harm done. After all, humor and playfulness are more civilized than bitchiness and bile. The default sharky aggression that is now the cultural baseline is approaching toxic levels, and the sleek severity seen in storefronts, catwalks and magazine covers feeds into this; even those who oppose it adopt its obnoxious vocabulary. I for one reject this Hobson’s choice, and insist upon the maxim that something on you should always be smiling: those who are engaged imaginatively with their lives have little time to sneer.

Brummell would have likely recoiled in horror at the sight of the recently-departed George Melly’s wearable op art, or Oscar Wilde’s knee breeches, or the perfumed Count D’Orsay with his baby blue waistcoat dripping with gold chains, likewise with the garish garb worn by the likes of Charles Dickens. Of course, all came by such excess honestly, since we have here a jazz musician, a homosexual, a nouveau riche Frenchman, and a street swell. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like very good company—just the sort you’d want around you when you’re in the mood for some good old-fashioned trouble.

The exuberance of the street swells lives on, lampooning the top-down world of “good taste” with their own permutations. In my own native Philadelphia, I see marvelously stylish older gentlemen of the African persuasion who wear their gold chains and medallions over garish rayon ties, like the brass neck-plate gorgets worn by early Iroquois Indian war chiefs one sees in eighteenth-century portraits; in fact it would be hard to imagine such gentlemen without that less-than-subtle chest tinsel. The donning of such street-medals always suggests a suspect quality, and the wearer knows this—it’s his “steez”, you see, and you’d be well advised to sweat it, thank you very much. The aura of being something of a rake and a rascal is the true ornament—the “bling” merely keeps it in place.

That said, my favorite form of ornament is my person; I’ve been known to serve in a decorative capacity for friend’s events and gatherings, and I’m happy to do so. However, if I had to choose from my own collection of personal ornament, it would be a delightfully tacky pair of cufflinks that I often wear in the summer with my linen suits. Each clear bubble contains a miniscule tableau—a little world featuring a tiny dried seahorse along with a sprig of green seaweed. There are some gents like myself who have an inordinate affection for the wunderkammer aesthetic, and often enjoy being an ambulatory wonder-cabinet for the pleasure of others. In the service of this eclectic sensibility, I’m somewhat promiscuous about mixing my bespoke, off-the-rack and thrift clothing—I’m an aesthete, not a connoisseur. For me, it’s about the pleasurable qualities of the thing, not its provenance.

Groucho Marx once said of Lord Buckley (another self-proclaimed American “lord”) that he looked like a very successful confidence man. I can think of no greater compliment: respectability is one bauble I can do without.

~W