THE WIFE-TO-PLANET INDEX
I've been very busy this week, but as I finish illustrations and clear out wild brush in the back yard, I've been thinking about the offshoot sects of Mormonism that have been in the news of late. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I gather from various sources that, according to the beliefs of these sects, the more wives a man has, the larger the planet he gets to rule after he dies. Assuming that's true, I think these true believers may have overlooked one crucial element: gravity.

Let's say that the Mormon fundamentalist fellow in question leads an exemplary life as it is defined by his beliefs; he amasses wives and offspring like so many box top coupons, then shuffles off his mortal coil. Will he then find that, after cashing in his chattel, the massive planet he is heir to has such a strong gravitational pull that all he can do in the afterlife is lie on his back, do his best to breathe and dream of one day managing to lift a toothpick?

And what exactly is the correlation between number of wives and size of planet? Is there a table somewhere, a point system? How many wives would one need to hit that 'sweet spot' needed for an Earth-like Class M planet? One too many, and you could find yourself eternally buffeted about like a feather by the 300 mph winds of a gas giant's ammonia-rich atmosphere (Perhaps those wind-catching dresses their ladyfolk wear are a contingency?) One wife too few, and you could wind up on a cold, tiny lump of frozen methane, evermore wishing you had been more of a cuddler.

And is there a correlation between number of children and the amount of moons you get? And where do comets figure in all this? Are they visiting relatives? And what do you have to do to get a ring around your planet? Is that a bonus of some sort, like for perfect church attendance or generous tithing?

~W